Why get your hopes up?
New coach?
So what.
New players?
Who cares.
90% of the Blues squad are still the dregs that no other franchise fucken wanted anyway.
Nonu and SBW in the midfield? Well, whoop-de-fucken-do, break out the motherfucking bunting. Colour my crotch the caliphate incarnate. I would wager BOTH of my left nads that the doddery duo won’t manage 2 whole halves of rugby playing together during the whole fucken season. And if they do, after 20 minutes they will be brain-knackered. Hyopoxia sets in, help, we’re stranded on the Hillary fuckin Step here, hello, is anyone there, fucking radio for help, fuuuuuuuck, turnstile city. Nonu’s been literally walking around Toulon’s midfield in sunny sperm-stained retirement home France for fucken years. SBW is an old league player who still has fuck-all rugby instincts despite Hansen blowing plumes of smoke down W’s one-eye on the reg
Pulu at halfback? Sure, he will ring your fucking bell on defense. But on attack? Handbrake City. Pop: the Blues backline.
On the bright side, the Blues do have a fantasy spank bank of loosies in Blake Gibson, Papali’i and Akira. That’s the good news. And it’s always good news in pre-season. EVERY year the Blues look kick-arse on paper. Yet who remembers the kick-arse outfit of, say, 2015? Not many.
Yep, every season the Blues promise the world on paper, schoolboy star wingers shoehorned in alllll along the backline, and every year they trot out and proceed to play like the Onehunga Under-5’s Crippled Children Burn Clinic Fucken Hospice Care Unit.
Plus the inevitable injuries. If I gave half a proper fuck I would tally up previous campaigns pre-season “starters on paper” and see how many of the cunts actually started games at the tail-end of the season. I’d wager fuck-all. 2 of the 3 loosie spank bankers will succumb to season-ending injuries, probably when they collide reaching for the last piece of cake at the fucken buffet table on the eve of the first fucken game of the season. That will leave Akira to play every minute of the season, leading all the stats for all super rugby players, shattering all Blues training records including running a 4-minute mile as well as successfully bench-pressing the goddamn sun, and Hansen will still pick some Landers cunt who’s been nutting out the same damn crossword puzzle while parked on the fucken bench all fucking season.
Another weird bright side though; 1st 5. The usual wft position for the Blues, is actually looking shockingly healthy. Otere Black, Perofuture and Plummer. That’s fucking THREE 1st 5’s who theoretically should be able to cope with the 1st 5 position at Soup Rugby level. Bugger me. This is great! SURELY all 3 won’t get fucking injured.
SURELY.
Joan Collins emergency 1st 5 by round 3.
The usual summer trickle of pre-season training clips are coming through now. The lads panting away running up some hill in Cornwall Park. Or bashing away at each other in some jiu jitsu kung fu bollocks. All good and well. It’s when the actual rugby ball gets introduced to proceedings that it all instantly turns to shit.
“The fuck is this?
“Dunno.
“Haha, it looks funny.
“What a stupid shape.
“It’s not quite round…
“…yet it’s not quite flat.
“What do you even call that thing?
“I can’t catch something shaped like that.
“Me neither.
“Can’t we just do more wrestling?
“Yeah, I was good at that.
“Me too.
“Seems a bit mean-spirited, throwing an object shaped like that to someone and expecting them to catch it.
“Could be embarrassing.
“It scares me.
“Yeah, maybe just leave it on the ground.
“I hate it.
“Me too.
“Just kick it away.
“Away!”
Blues 2019 Schedule:
H v Cantabs. please God please let the Cantabs AB’s pack still be at the fucken beach pleeeeeassse
A v Shawks. wft straight on the road already? FFS. Blues don’t travel well. L.
A v Jags. oh god then straight off around the world for ANOTHER rugby match? which sadistic cunt put this fucking schedule together? FUCK YOU PICHOT
H v Sunwolves. now we’re talkin. The 0-3 Blues take on their wooden spoon rivals. First win of the season right here baby!
H v Landers. oh shit we always lose to these pricks. They’re one of those “properly coached rugby teams” that I’ve read about and also seen on the telly.
H v Stormfront. L. Even these shittily-travelling boks will be too much for our injury-ravaged 1-and-5 B-team.
H v NSFW. god I hate losing to these pricks. I hope Tom Carter falls down a well. All the wells.
A v Chiffs. things heating up in NZ conference means the Chiffs will be on FIRE. L.
A v Landers. ffs, these bastards again. Thanks Pichot, thanks a fucken lot.
A v Bumbreeze. that empty frozen concrete shithole stadium in Canberra. ffs do I have to watch?
H v Canes. NO WAY Nonu plays in this one. Canes to run riot. 54-7.
H v Chiffs. ffs, them again? Their laughter ringing in Blues ears from 3 weeks ago has barely even fucking subsided.
A v Cantabs. The annual horror show. Dark. Cold. Wet. And that’s just my gruds. The runaway red-and-black combine harvester reaping their annual grisly bounty.
H v Bulls. last home game of the season but we’re 1 and 26, who gives a fuck. Bulls from their “mummy, mummy can we pleeeasse go to the playoffs, pleeease, MUMMY I WANT TO GO TO THE PLAYOFFS RIGHT NOW MUMMY” conference with everything to play for. L.
A v Reds. heyyy arent these wankers just as shit as us? This could be the go!
A v Canes. way to rub it in Pichot you fucking shitheel.
Thank fuck that’s over.
NZ Stuff Herald 