Dr Rockbottom: How to deal with Christmas stress

 

“Fuck this shit. Please, God, pleeease, smite this wanker family of mine so I can just lie the fuck down and put a fucken Electric Wizard lp on for fucken once.”

“I want to spend time with my loved ones.”

“I want to spend time with my family.”

Familiar tropes from the welter of gobshite seppo TV dramas we’re deluged with on the telly every fucking day of every fucking year. “I want to spend time with my family.” That’s a fucken Edna Crabapple snort right there. You see these me-me family wankers every fucken day of the year anyway. You do not want to fuck up your precious holiday time by dealing with them for even fucken longer. That’s your time.

Dealing with the agenda of some foreign body is NOT a fucking holiday. You want to lie on the carpet, with your blankey, your very, very BEST blankey, put your Grado SR-80 headphones on, and span the fuck out to your records at skull-melting volume. For HOURS AND HOURS. Fuck off. Leave me alone. Lonely at Xmas? More like HAPPY AS FUCK, YOU PESKY CUNTS. Other people, that being, every fucker that is not you, DOES NOT have your agenda at heart. They have their agenda. Their Not You agenda. And that’s fine. That shit makes them happy. They do what makes them happy. They should NOT however expect you to follow along with their vicious, selfish thinking like a pet dog on a fucken leash. Newsflash, you clambering aboard some other cunts This Shit Makes Me Happy Carousel is all about them. Sitting for HOURS at some dinner table with excruciating wanker dinner guests who don’t know doom metal from a dildo full of metamucil? That’s worse than being at fucking WORK. You are not supposed to be checking the clock every 5 minutes like this is another one of your motherfucking jobs.

That good ol’ family and loved ones trope gets amplified at Christmas. Exposed in ever-increasingly rawer and higher definition until it frays and someone snaps. “These fuckers are getting on my tits”, we all quietly think as we head into Hour 5 of sitting around doing shit we hate. Great, so you have to spend your precious holiday faking happiness. Yep, you’d rather be back at fucken WORK than doing this shit. The rigmarole of price-appropriate presents, organising special food, organising special trips, keeping up with the Joneses on telly and social media, with their picture-perfect festivities, and David Copperfield jerseys, and happy, healthy and wealthy families, and Christmas trees the size of the fucking Empire State Building, with so many fucking lights the flashing epileptic bushy fuckers can be seen from fucking Mars. “We have wayyy more lights than the Joneses, that means we are by definition happier at Christmas than them.” Fuck that shit. Holidays are supposed to be about relaxing and unwinding. And that should NOT involve subscribing to some pricks I Am Not You bizarroland hopes and dreams and wishes and utterly, utterly foreign transcripts of happiness.

Therefore, in executive summary, Dr Rockbottom’s advice on dealing with Christmas stress is to avoid all humans that are not you. NONE of those wankers REALLY have your best interests at heart. It’s all about them. Ohhhh, they think you will ENJOY this “festive” horseshit? A lie disguised as a fib wrapped up in a blanket of bald-faced deceit getting beaten to death in broad daylight with an 8-foot long dildo. With ALL the 8-foot long dildos. They’ve watched too much fucken telly. Unless, by some insane fluke of happenstance, their Christmas dream revolves around a blankey, a Denon DL-110 cartridge and Grado SR-80 headphones playing so loud the cunts send all of humanity that is NOT you straight into the Hardon Collider to be immediately dispatched directly back to 666 BC.

READ MORE:
* Dr Rockbottom: I Kill Kittens And Eat Them.
* Dr Rockbottom: Not Raw, Mind You.
* Dr Rockbottom: I Have A Pot.

 

Super Rugby 2019 Round 1 Advance Match Report

Super Rugby 2019 kicks off in February 2019, here are the Round 1 match reports in advance. 

Chiefs 12-3 Highlanders (Halftime 5-0)
#CHIvHIG 
Fri 15 Feb
7.35pm
FML Stadium Waikato
Hamilton New Zealand

After a disastrous offseason that saw Colin Cooper kept on as head coach, mainly to appease Taranaki and piss off anyone left from the home town, this match probably failed to excite, or disappoint. 

Chiefs fans at FML Stadium Waikato were heard to say wise things like “we’ll probably make the playoffs again, but won’t win it with the injuries curse though”, along with the classic “fuck’s sake, it’s like the Foster years, they just rely on miracle passing with dodgy defence… what happened to Cruden?”.

One 5-season/lifelong fan was also heard to utter “why the fuck are they playing the Crusaders in Fiji again? Does this club hate home advantage that much?!” in reference to the round 16 clash which will probably decide the play-off home-and-away positionings. 

The Chiefs took on the Highlanders in Round 1 of Super Rugby 2019 at FML Stadium, Hamilton.

The Chiefs eventually took home all the points with Brodie Retallick left as high scorer, not-out on 10. Aaron Smith took all the wickets for the visitors.

Brumbies 5-3 Rebels (Halftime 5-3)
#BRUvREB
Fri 15 Feb 
9.45pm 
LOL Stadium 
Canberra, Australia

Nope, didn’t watch it, fuck that!

Blues 3-85 Crusaders (Halftime 3-40)
#BLUvCRU
Sat 16 Feb
7.35pm
Eden Park Outer Oval
Auckland, New Zealand

For the Blues club-franchise-cum-player-retention-team, the only success story to come from this round was the moving of the game to Eden Park’s Outer Oval.  This squeezed 3000 Crusader-and-other fans, 100 unlucky ticket winners, and the 55 friends and families of the Blues players together.

Completely according to plan, however, the brief moments of match atmosphere were suffocated by an experienced ultra-shit DJ. 

The Blues, who opened the scoring with a lucky penalty in the first minute, held the Crusaders out for a full 5 minutes after the match ball was lost in the weekend traffic jam outside the ground. 

From there it was all standard low level, as the Crusaders scored a point-per-minute. Subbing in himself and his coaching staff at the 60-min mark was an innovative move by All Blacks coach-in-waiting Scott Robertson.

Crusaders Coach and Man-of-the-Match, Scott Robertson evading the Blues defense

In his post-match coach/captain/man of the match interview, he said: “It’s a long comp so we’re planning to keep the players fresh. One of the ways we do that is to sub on the staff, especially against these twits”.

The move, instantly hailed as a ground-breaking initiative by the Paulor Greg-led national rugby press, was taken as a “bit of a laugh” by Blues head coach, former-All Blacks and Crusaders player Leon McDonald.

“I didn’t actually see 70 minutes of the game, as I was stuck in bloody traffic, and then a fucking rugby ball smashed my windscreen… but apparently it was pretty entertaining”, he said, before looking at his assistant coaches from Wellington and Waikato and adding: “Fuck me, this was probably a really bad career move.”

Waratahs 45-45 Hurricanes (Halftime 4-4)
#WARvHUR
Sat 16 Feb
9.45pm
Advance Australia Fairgrounds
Sydney, Australia

The Hurricanes, who were the last of all the NZ-based
club-franchise-cum-player-retention-teams to win a Super Rugby title, managed to scramble to a draw thanks to a late Jordie Barrett/Beauden Barrett/Justin Marshall combination drop goal. 

The Barrett brothers, known as a formidable out-of-position pairing, assembled what resembled a siege engine made of legs, arms, and Justin Marshall’s jizz to propel the goal over from halfway. When asked, the two said it was just a bit lucky and hadn’t been planned. 

“Yeah it’s something we’ve done like maybe um once in training, so with it all on the line, the opportunity just kind of happened, so me and Beaudy (sic) instinctively went with our instincts and Marshy joined in,” said younger brother Jordie, when asked why Beauden hadn’t simply passed along the backline to make use of the obvious 6-on-1 overlap to win the game. 

Computer generated image of Barrett, Barrett and Marshall forming Drop-Goal-Cum-Siege-Engine

As one dedicated Taranaki-based Hurricanes fan said: “I just don’t know why Hansen won’t play Beaudy at 15 and put Jordy in at centre.”

“He’s the best fullback in the world playing at 10.” 

Upcoming Games:
South African teams 
Australian teams
Argentinian team
Japanese team

All Blacks EOYT 2018

 

Dogshit.

• All Black C-team leaks 31 to Japan. FFS. It’s Japan. Half their team are NPC rejects from fucken Onehunga.
• the precious tenured A-team fluked a win versus England, a side who are fresh off losing to everyone in 6N.
• lose, AGAIN to Ireland. Nice legacy you’re building there, Hansen.
• spank Italy, who are shittier than any alkie club team in fucken Botswana.

The loss to Ireland was the killer. 51-player tour squad selected PRIMARILY to keep the big guns fresh for this fucking game. NZ camp trotting out bollocks like “we’re treating this like a RWC final”…. then they wander out and play like clueless roofied gobstops.With lead feet, knackered like they’ve been walking around the fucken Louvre all morning.

For some reason 1st half felt weirdly like NZ were treating the whole thing more like a scouting mission. If AB’s had tied it at the death, 16-16, they would’ve see it as a HUGE victory. “We were shit all day and still didnt lose away at the end of a long season. Their sad phase play didnt amount to a hill of shit.”

As it stands though, NZ were outplayed all over the park. WhenTF does that ever happen? Numerous All Blacks failed the test.

From 5th minute to his inevitable 42nd min subbing prop Owen Franks is reduced to flopping at rucks instead of cleaning out as he is PERPETUALLY out of breath. He’s looking 1991 RWC bridge-too-far material.

Entire forward pack were outmuscled. Zero impact. A national embarrassment.

But it was cocky Beaudy that perhaps fucked us hardest. Fuck up after fuck up from The Golden One. Just move the cunt to fullback, ffs, everyone can fucken see that’s his best position.

The match followed the same patterns, over and over:

• 3 month spells of ineffectual Irish phase play near NZ 22.
• NZ get ball and within FEMTOSECONDS they shit the bed, oh God, it’s all over the floor, all up the walls, even some on the ceiling, they’ve pushed a pass/shelled it and given the fucking ball straight back.
• cue another 7 year spell of ineffectual Irish phase play near NZ 22.

NZ barely even came 2nd in that test they seemed so far from winning. Ireland a PROPERLY coached team. NZ looked like a childish soup rugby helter-skelter high wire act being forced to play against the adults.

It’s almost like the 2015 legends team retired and their replacements arent up to it. Guessing Hansen’s ego/pride/cossetted nature won’t let him look at/test out another captain / #8 option only a year out from RWC. Made his bed.

Squad can say “losses hurt us more than anyone” but they give off a vibe that they’re all a bit pleased with themselves and being All Blacks and its attendant perks.

Oh well, on the bright side, Hansen is in goddamn DREEEEEAMLAND if he thinks he can anoint Fozzie as his hand-chosen successor as the next AB coach. Like he’s some fucking omnipotent mafia don. Try that deluded shit again, after having taken a wrong-nozzle monster slurry dump all over the All Black’s legacy by losing TWICE to fucking Ireland and the bastard would be laughed halfway back to fucking Wales. Changed my mind. F fucken minus.

 

English Rugby Union Schedule Seminars On “Replying To Sick Burns.”

After an England U20 player suffered verbal abuse from a U20 Springbok with a “that is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock” barb, the senior England rugby team have interrupted their massive gym-pony sessions at their palatial multi-million pound squid training estate to schedule some seminars on “How To Answer Sick Burns”

England rugby HQ.

“Look, you snowflake petal cunts. Point one; ALWAYS take the lowest rung in order to undermine your burner, to out-sick them. First to the bottom wins. Always. Now, let’s break off into pairs for some role play.”

“That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock.”
“Her mouth opens way wider than that.”

“That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock.”
“What, like a big fat white power nazi? Crossing the line there, buddy.”

“That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock.”
“Why are you telling me this, I was right there last night taking polaroids of us all, you Alzheimers cunt.”

“That is what your mother will look like while sucking my cock.”
“She’ll have a wider foot plant than that, what with my dick up her arse and all.”

NZ vs France 1st Test 2018.

UK blogosphere going into meltdown overnight over ref’s performance. It’s rigged. It’s a conspiracy. This ref is terrible. Biased towards All Blacks. All the ref’s are. There’s a secret Bias Bunker located directly under Eden Park where shadowy figures convene under cloak of darkness to ensure the All Blacks win. Money changes hands. Favours are curried.

Exclusive glimpse into Eden Park’s subterreanean Bias Bunker where All Black officials purchase their side’s victories:

“FAAHHHHK, it’s just so easy!” Ching ching motherfuckers!”

The poor little pommy Hitler ref seemed to be going fine until he hastily and erroneously binned a frog in 50th min for a head-high. Then, down 8-11, rusty klutz prop Joe Moody limps off to be replaced by test debutante Karl PerfectCopMoustache and hello, big Karl crushes the frog scrum, the heavens rejoice, the planets align, the AB gears mesh synchronously and whirr with ominous portent, Eden Park thanks fuck the Blues aren’t playing, 3rd former DMac starts running through gaps like the 5th formers are still chasing him, the black-boned angels of death proceed to beat their wings in heavenly unison and the All Blacks pour on 44 sumptuous unanswered points. Go fuck yourself Pepe le Pew and pals, see you fuckwits next week.

Once the frenetic AB combine harvester of imminent murder started upping the ante the ref started rogering things up. Not binning Cane after him and Ofa turning a frogs grey matter into escargot snot was one. Letting Ardie Savea continue on for his try after his knee had hit the turf three metres out was another.

All Blacks were not flash in the first 50 minutes. Not flash at all. Down 8-11, struggling to get anywhere in the forwards, really missing Retallick and Read, little impact, yes, the usual 1st test of the year ring-rust. Thank fuck the ref was biased and AB officials had purchased the 44 points required to win the match. Didn’t even need all 44! Just 4 wouldve done the trick to make it 12-11. Wonder if they can get a rebate on the superflous 40 points? 52-11 is just arousing suspicion, I mean come on, there’s match-fixing and there’s fucken match-fixing.

“Um, yeah, hello? Just wondering if we could cash in these extra 40 points we didn’t really need on the weekend to perhaps use them at another juncture during the season? We’ve got the receipt and everything. Hello? Hello? Look you dickheads, is anyone even here?”

 

Auckland Blues vs Rebels RD 16 2018.

Cripple shitfight in the handicapped stall. Faeces everywhere. Wheelchairs at 3 paces and off they went. Clang, clang, clang, gahh, shit all over my hands now, I’ve dropped the fucken thing. Again.

1st half, Akira Ioane charges down a kick en route to a Blues try for Terence and Philip. You don’t see new All Black Dick Frizzle doing that for the Highlanders. Charging down kicks, putting himself about. He’s too busy puzzling out crosswords on the Landers bench, probably using his brand new shiny AB jersey to cushion his precious little cotton-wooled arse from the fucken splinters.

Pulu did well to hold up a certain try but the ponderous fucker is such a handbrake on attack. Guys, let me just stand around at the back of the ruck with the ball sitting there and let the other team draw up a detailed schematic on how to fucken stop us.

Rebels actually looked good going forward in this one. But, as the game wore on it must’ve gradually dawned on them that woah, these useless shits don’t even practice or anything, holy fucking shit, all we have to do is try hard and hold onto the stupid ball and we win. They got nothing. And that is pretty much how the bog-standard Melbourne Rebels beat these clueless dipshit Auckland Blues today by a score of 20-10 in order to secure just their second ever win in NZ.

Blues not even the 5th best team in NZ right now. Cantabs NPC side would clean up this lot. Christchurch Boys High might even give them a fright

The proud Blues have historically always looked likely in broken field play. They no longer even have that. They have nothing. No luck, no skills, no nous, no kickers, no runners, no nappies, no panties, no gruds, no coaching, no happiness and no future.

Somehow the useless pricks have not won a single match all season at Fortress Eden Park. They’ve successfully managed to turn New Zealand’s impenetrable rugby stronghold into an empty and silent black hole where dreams go to die.